Journal Entries - Part 1

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=160 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="012a0643.jpg"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=435 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="00f64643.jpg"> <div> <B>Journal Entries - Part 1</B></div> <div>  <A NAME="journal_1"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> Jack heard the knock at the door and groaned.  He clenched his fists together just as he was reaching for his duffle bag and coat before he stepped through the door to his truck and two weeks of freedom.  "Damn," he cursed and yanked open the door.  "Daniel," he said, surprised.</div> <bR> <div> "Hey, Jack," Daniel said with a tentative little smile.  "I'm glad I caught you before you left."</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, I was just, uh..." he pointed to his bag.  "What's up?"</div> <bR> <div> "I'm not gonna keep you.  I just wanted to give you this to read while you're up at the cabin."  He handed over a well wrapped parcel.  Jack noticed his hands were shaking.  He took the package and Daniel thrust his hands immediately into his jean pockets.  "Just do me a favor . . . well two favors, actually.  One, don't open it until you're up at the lake."  He toed the edge of the doorway.</div> <bR> <div> "And the other?" Jack asked after a few moments.</div> <bR> <div> "Promise me you'll read it.  All the way to the end."  Daniel turned his earnest, blue eyes on Jack full force.</div> <bR> <div> "Okay," Jack said, a bit unnerved.  "You okay?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah . . . fine," he said.  "I'll let you go."  He held out his hand and Jack shook it firmly.  "Have a good vacation."</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel, I get the strong impression that something's very wrong here."  Jack leaned against his door.  "Why don't I wait a bit, you can go pack some stuff and then you can go up with me?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel gave Jack another small smile and shook his head.  "No.  Thanks, but . . . not this time."</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "Jack," Daniel cut him off.  "Just do the two things I asked, okay?  That's why I came over here."</div> <bR> <div> Jack nodded and bent down to tuck the wrapped book into his bag.  He looked up at Daniel as the man nodded and turned to leave.  "Try and bring back some fish this time, would ya?"</div> <bR> <div> "Very funny.  And tell Teal'c it's not about. . ."</div> <bR> <div> "I know, I know," Daniel waved dismissively.  "It's about the act of fishing.  We've heard it . . . over and over and over . . ."  Daniel's voice trailed off as he got into his car, which Jack noticed was still running, and pulled from the driveway.  He raised his hand in goodbye and drove into the morning</div> <div> sunshine.</div> <bR> <div> Jack shook his head and grabbed up his things.  With a final slam of the door, Jack officially declared himself on vacation.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> The drive up to the cabin had been uneventful.  He'd had a chance to let thoughts roll around in his head that he normally wouldn't spend time pondering.  And, not surprisingly, most of those thoughts centered around Daniel, his enigmatic and highly infuriating friend.  Random memories drifted through his mind; arguments, jokes, life threatening situations, quiet observations in the field.  All of them brought a strange bittersweet feeling to Jack and he wondered why having Daniel as a friend sometimes made him feel</div> <div> almost sad.</div> <bR> <div> He drifted through his trip, driving straight through to Minnesota without stopping for anything more than a restroom or gas.  When he finally reached the secluded cabin he'd inherited from his grandfather, he heaved a sigh of relief and pulled himself tiredly from the truck.  He unpacked quickly, plugged in the refrigerator, put away the cold foods and threw himself on the bed.  Setting his watch to wake him in an hour, he fell asleep instantly.</div> <bR> <div> The beeping of the watch yanked him from sleep and he looked around through a groggy haze.  "Crap," he groaned as he eased off the bed and straightened his stiff back.  He went to the truck and pulled his duffle through the door remembering the book that he'd tucked away so quickly.  "Dinner first," he determined.  He straightened the cabin, made the bed, then began his meal preparations.  Once the steak and fried potatoes had been eaten and a fresh beer opened, he settled in a chair by the fire and unwrapped Daniel's book.</div> <bR> <div> He gave a surprised grunt when he found, not a published book as he'd thought, but one of Daniel's  journals.  It wasn't one of the field journals that Daniel kept of every mission they went on, this was a leather bound book and Jack guessed it was one of his personal journals.  He ran his hands over the tooled</div> <div> leather.  He smiled when he thought of Daniel sitting with this book balanced on his lap, laboriously scribbling away as his mind ran a thousand miles an hour.  Carefully, he opened to the first page and his smile grew wider as he saw Daniel's nearly perfect penmanship in line after line after line of text. </div> <div> He traced the words with his finger, not focusing enough to read them, but enjoying just looking at something that was so completely Daniel.  He pushed back farther into the chair and began to read.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Kowalski died today.  I don't know how Jack found the strength to do what he</I></div> <div> <I>did.  He killed him.  He killed Kowalski.  When I heard about it, I was sick. </I></div> <div> <I>Not because of what Jack did, but because he had to do it.  I died inside a</I></div> <div> <I>little bit for him today.  Shau're.  My sweet Shau're.  Is this what awaits</I></div> <div> <I>you _ death at my own hands?  I hate them.  I hate them so much.  I don't know</I></div> <div> <I>how to withstand this horrendous feeling I have toward the Goa'uld.  They</I></div> <div> <I>sicken and disgust me and I want every one of them gone from this universe. </I></div> <div> <I>How could such creatures exist?  How can all that is good and holy in this</I></div> <div> <I>existence bear their survival?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I haven't slept for days.  Dr. Captain Carter (Dr. Carter?  Captain Carter? </I></div> <div> <I>Sam?) Keeps pestering me to sleep, but I can't.  Every time I close my eyes I</I></div> <div> <I>see HIM with my Shau're and I feel as though I'll spin apart at the seams. </I></div> <div> <I>Jack's been so kind.  He's let me stay here with him, let me take my time</I></div> <div> <I>getting my feet under me.  I think somehow he understands.  I know he looks on</I></div> <div> <I>Skaara as a little brother, maybe a surrogate son, but I truly think he</I></div> <div> <I>understands my loss.  Perhaps because of his son.  Ah Jack, I'm so sorry about</I></div> <div> <I>your son.  I see his picture and I can see you in him, especially the smile. </I></div> <div> <I>No parent should have to bury their child.  No parent should have to go</I></div> <div> <I>through what you have.  It's because of his son that I think he understands me</I></div> <div> <I>a bit.  He still thinks I'm a geek; he may well be right.  We're so different,</I></div> <div> <I>Jack and I.  I can imagine him in school; young, brash, cocky _ probably a</I></div> <div> <I>little swaggering.  Women dropping at his feet.  Not like I was (am?);</I></div> <div> <I>bookish, quiet, far too curious for my own good, a complete zero on the self_</I></div> <div> <I>confidence scale.  Except for my intellect of course.  A bit arrogant there,</I></div> <div> <I>I'm afraid.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack snickered to himself and took a long drink of beer.  He turned the parchment_like page carefully and continued to read.</div> <bR> <div> <I>We've been on a couple missions now and things are getting easier.  I feel</I></div> <div> <I>sorry for Sam.  She's trying so hard to prove herself and it's really very</I></div> <div> <I>unnecessary.  I can tell Jack already trusts her, as does Teal'c.  So do I,</I></div> <div> <I>for that matter.  And she's really a wonderful lady.  Smart and funny. </I></div> <div> <I>Beautiful, too.  I think, however, that all those things work against her in</I></div> <div> <I>the military, though.  No matter which way someone wants to see her, there's</I></div> <div> <I>something there to intimidate them.  I think Jack likes her a little more than</I></div> <div> <I>he lets on.  And I know she likes him.  She was asking about him, personal</I></div> <div> <I>things about his family and marriage.  She was shocked that she didn't know</I></div> <div> <I>any of this but I did.  A little hurt, too, I think.  I know it's wrong, but I</I></div> <div> <I>felt a bit smug over that.  Almost as though I was in high school again and</I></div> <div> <I>the first string quarter back was my friend and not hers.  I shouldn't be like</I></div> <div> <I>that, it's not right.  And I truly do like Sam, we get along so incredibly</I></div> <div> <I>well.  Poor Jack feels left out when she and I really get going on a theory. </I></div> <div> <I>I'm not fooled, though _ he's much smarter than he leads people to believe.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I've found that work on this project is quite overwhelming and sometimes I</I></div> <div> <I>feel at such a loss.  We've come so close to finding and rescuing Shau're only</I></div> <div> <I>to have it snatched away from us at the last moment.  And now discoveries are</I></div> <div> <I>being made that are truly earth shaking, and I can't tell anyone or talk to</I></div> <div> <I>anyone about them.  It's no wonder my migraines have started again.  I</I></div> <div> <I>sometimes wonder how I'll go on if this is the pace my life will be at from</I></div> <div> <I>now on.  I don't know how Jack does it.  He amazes me.  He's such a smart ass,</I></div> <div> <I>I don't understand why he doesn't face court martial charges for</I></div> <div> <I>insubordination every single day; but when he's out in the field and</I></div> <div> <I>everything hangs on him, he's razor sharp.  I can't imagine living with the</I></div> <div> <I>kind of responsibility he has.  I guess I'm a little in awe.  At least, I hope</I></div> <div> <I>that's all it is.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack read the last two sentences again and tossed back the rest of his beer.  "What the hell?"  He grabbed the pages to turn farther into the book but Daniel's voice came back to him as clear as if he were standing there with him. <I>Promise me you'll read it.  All the way to the end.</I> And he had.  He'd promised him he would read the whole thing.  With a quiet grunt he closed the book and looked at his watch.  Standing up, he moved to the fireplace, banked it for the night, stripped down to his shorts and t_shirt and climbed into</div> <div> bed.  He felt his gut tighten as he thought over the last two lines of Daniel's journal he'd read that night.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> <I>It's very strange coming back from the dead.  It's even stranger when you've</I></div> <div> <I>found out your friends are only too thrilled to regale you with stories from</I></div> <div> <I>your own memorial service.  I still don't understand everything that happened</I></div> <div> <I>back here at home, but one thing I do know  - Jack really does like me after</I></div> <div> <I>all.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack swatted at a mosquito buzzing around his ear as he relaxed in his lawn chair on the dock by the lake.  The early afternoon sun warmed him through and he sighed contentedly.  He'd not slept well the night before, nightmares making his sleep troubled and restless.  He'd considered not reading any more</div> <div> of Daniel's journal, but he reminded himself, again, that he'd promised and it was obviously very important to Daniel.  He opened another beer and took a sip, his eyes picking up the text where he'd left off.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Jack was going to retire again when he thought I was dead.  I'm so glad he</I></div> <div> <I>didn't, that General Hammond talked him into waiting.  I'll get over the whole</I></div> <div> <I>apartment clean-out thing.  Hope Jack didn't get hold of any of my journals</I></div> <div> <I>from our first mission.  We weren't horribly fond of each other back then. </I></div> <div> <I>(chuckle)</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I find myself thinking of Jack quite often, and while I'm pretty certain that</I></div> <div> <I>my sexuality doesn't venture in that direction, I can't find any other excuse</I></div> <div> <I>for my thought patterns.  I am drawn to one Colonel Jonathon "Jack" O'Neill</I></div> <div> <I>(two L's thank you), United States Air Force.  The thought terrifies me.  It</I></div> <div> <I>would probably terrify him too, if he knew.  I was nearly beside myself after</I></div> <div> <I>we got back from Argos.  Having to leave him there, dying by degrees.  I know</I></div> <div> <I>he holds no grudges against any of those people, but I'm still enraged at what</I></div> <div> <I>Kynthia did to him.  She didn't do it knowingly, and I certainly understand</I></div> <div> <I>that.  It's just . . . god, I think it's jealousy.  When I walked in that room</I></div> <div> <I>and saw him wrapped in nothing but a sheet _ I could have killed her, I truly</I></div> <div> <I>could have.  Then having to leave him alone and not being allowed to go back _</I></div> <div> <I>that's when I knew things were changing for me.  And still my Shau're is out</I></div> <div> <I>there and I must find her, but when I do, what?  I will never stop looking; I</I></div> <div> <I>will never give up until I find her and set her free _ but still there are</I></div> <div> <I>these feelings every time I am around Jack now.  I tried to pass it off as</I></div> <div> <I>'hero worship,' because god knows I've suffered from that enough times.  But</I></div> <div> <I>this is different, deeper somehow.  It's not how I am _ it's not how I behave. </I></div> <div> <I>I'm confused, to say the least.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When we were on Earnest's planet and I was studying 'the book' left by those</I></div> <div> <I>races, I knew that I would rather die in that place than come back here. </I></div> <div> <I>Nothing could get through to me.  I stood there, knowing that building was</I></div> <div> <I>going into the sea and not caring _ because all that knowledge was there in</I></div> <div> <I>front of me and that was all I could see.  He came and dragged me out _</I></div> <div> <I>physically dragged me out, because he wouldn't allow me to throw myself away. </I></div> <div> <I>I mattered _ I was important.  I can't believe I'm about to actually admit</I></div> <div> <I>this, but.... it was his eyes that drew me away, not his strength.  Never have</I></div> <div> <I>I met anyone with the same passion and will that I have.  I saw it there in</I></div> <div> <I>his eyes and I let him take me away.  I went back for Earnest's journal, but</I></div> <div> <I>that's beside the point.  I've never let anyone move me the way he does _ not</I></div> <div> <I>even my sweet Shau're.  It was I who lead in that relationship, with her as my</I></div> <div> <I>equal, but still I lead.  I'm beginning to think, to my great chagrin, that I</I></div> <div> <I>will let Jack O'Neill lead me anywhere he chooses; even to the gates of hell</I></div> <div> <I>itself.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack closed the book and stared out across the lake.  His heart was hammering in his chest and he was shaking.  He wanted to swear and rant and curse Daniel's name, but he couldn't - he couldn't.  He could only sit there in the quiet of the afternoon and silently watch the hold he had over his own feelings and emotions begin to crack and crumble.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Five Days Later</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack lay in bed, curled around a pillow, the half-read journal open on the bed beside him.  His fingers were tracing what were obviously tear tracks through the precise writing.  He fought with himself over whether to read this particular entry or not, then decided he owed Daniel the honesty of reading all the journal - even the painful portions.</div> <bR> <div> <I>He hates me.  Oh god he hates me.  The words "shut up, Daniel" keep rolling</I></div> <div> <I>through my mind and each time it feels as though a knife is slicing through my</I></div> <div> <I>chest.  He apologized - grabbed my hand over the DHD in order to make me</I></div> <div> <I>understand that he didn't mean to say those things.  But I can't get them out</I></div> <div> <I>of my head - or the look in his eyes when he shouted at me.  I feel broken and</I></div> <div> <I>lost again.  I feel as I did when the state workers came to tell me that it</I></div> <div> <I>was time to move on to another family, that there was no more love left to</I></div> <div> <I>give a little orphan boy.  I don't understand what I did.  If I knew I'd try</I></div> <div> <I>and make it right, fix it, so we could go back to the way we were before. </I></div> <div> <I>Back to when he cared - when he liked me.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>It hurts.  I can't believe it hurts like this.  When did I let things get so</I></div> <div> <I>out of hand?  How could I let myself do this?  I'm such an idiot - such a</I></div> <div> <I>fool.  Why did I let myself hope - dream that maybe one day, if we all did</I></div> <div> <I>everything just right, that maybe he'd feel the same?  How can he feel the</I></div> <div> <I>same?  He's straight as an arrow.  Hell, so am I for that matter.  Just not</I></div> <div> <I>for him.  This hurts as bad as losing Shau're.  How can I keep working with</I></div> <div> <I>him when he barely tolerates my presence?  I'm sorry, Jack.  Whatever it is,</I></div> <div> <I>I'm so sorry.  I'll find a way to make it right.  Unless you've found out how</I></div> <div> <I>I feel?  But how could you?  This is the only place I let myself be completely</I></div> <div> <I>honest, and I keep this locked away in my safe at home.  There's no way you</I></div> <div> <I>could know.  Have I given it away somehow?  Looked at you a moment too long -</I></div> <div> <I>stood too close once too often?  I try so hard to hide it all, bury it down</I></div> <div> <I>deep where no one will see it.  Please don't leave me, Jack.  Please don't. </I></div> <div> <I>Please.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack slammed the book shut and turned away, tears streaking hot and wet down his face.  He tried to stop the sob that welled up, but he couldn't.  He bit his lips together to keep himself from gasping in the next breath, but he couldn't do that either.  "Oh god Danny, I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I didn't know.  I just didn't know."  He reached up above his head and flicked off the reading light.  Shutting his eyes, he willed himself to sleep.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Three Days Later</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack sat at the kitchen table, the journal almost completely read.  Jack held his forehead in his hands as his eyes traveled over the lines in front of him, his soul aching within him.</div> <bR> <div> <I>When I first came to the SGC, I told Jack that they didn't know what to do</I></div> <div> <I>with me, and that I didn't know what to do with me, either.  He took me home</I></div> <div> <I>with him, gave me a sense of safety and peace and eased me back to life on</I></div> <div> <I>Earth.  Those feelings are gone, destroyed.  I'm destroyed - ruined. </I></div> <div> <I>Shipwrecked, I guess you could say.  'I care about her more than I'm supposed</I></div> <div> <I>to.'  And why?  Did she stay with him when he lost the ability to communicate? </I></div> <div> <I>Was she the one who gave her life for him so he could blow Apophis' ship out</I></div> <div> <I>of the sky?  Was she the one he turned to when he needed to talk about the</I></div> <div> <I>'meaning of life stuff'?  She's never been there for him - I have!  And</I></div> <div> <I>dammit, what do I get?  Shut up, Daniel.  Not now, Daniel.  Don't start,</I></div> <div> <I>Daniel.  Dammit, Daniel.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I'm signing up for the next suicide mission that comes along, because I can't</I></div> <div> <I>stand this any more.</I></div> <bR> <div> The entry ended there.</div> <bR> <div> Jack had read the passage at least a dozen times and still the words hit him like a sledge hammer.  He'd finished all the beer two days ago and he desperately wanted one.  He turned the page and kept reading.</div> <bR> <div> <I>It's been months since I last wrote in this thing.  It hurts too much.  It all</I></div> <div> <I>just hurts so much.  We were supposed to go to Kelowna as a team, but me</I></div> <div> <I>specifically.  I didn't go - none of us went.  SG-9 went, and parts of SG-7,</I></div> <div> <I>SG-11 and SG-3.  None of them came back.  There was an accident.  A horrible,</I></div> <div> <I>devastating accident, and none of them made it back.  We've only just received</I></div> <div> <I>word from that world that the capital city is destroyed, and the radiation is</I></div> <div> <I>threatening the rest of the planet.  We've notified our allies and asked them</I></div> <div> <I>for help.  Some can help and will do what they can.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>It could have been Jack.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>It could have been me.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>It could have been over.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I wish it had been me.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack wiped the tears from his eyes and sat back.  "Dammit Daniel, no."  He ground his palms into his eye sockets and let out a long, shaking breath.  "Never you.  Never, never you."</div> <bR> <div> He turned another page and forced himself to read.</div> <bR> <div> <I>I've nearly forgotten this thing in the past months.  I used to write at least</I></div> <div> <I>once a week so that I wouldn't forget anything.  Now I'll do almost anything</I></div> <div> <I>so that I can forget.  We walk around like strangers, Jack and I.  Working as</I></div> <div> <I>a team, getting the job done.  I've tried dating.  Didn't help.  Abysmal</I></div> <div> <I>failure, actually.  He's so deep in my heart I don't think I'll ever be able</I></div> <div> <I>to get him out.  I'm so hopeless.  The Tok'ra came and asked if one of us</I></div> <div> <I>would volunteer for a mission and I was so sorely tempted.  I knew I wouldn't</I></div> <div> <I>come back.  But then I looked over at him and I knew... with everything within</I></div> <div> <I>me I knew I could never leave him.  No matter how much I want to, no matter</I></div> <div> <I>how much I try.  I can't leave him.  I can't love another and he can't love</I></div> <div> <I>me.  It's all such a waste.  He is truly, truly a good man underneath all the</I></div> <div> <I>bluff and bluster.  Despite their flirtation, he and Sam won't ever get</I></div> <div> <I>together.  I don't think Jack could ever settle for being Mr. Sam Carter.  If</I></div> <div> <I>he could only look at me the way he used to - with friendship and warmth in</I></div> <div> <I>his eyes.  I hate this man of stone he's become.  And I hate myself for what</I></div> <div> <I>I've let him do to me.  But I still love him, the Jack O'Neill I first met -</I></div> <div> <I>the Jack O'Neill I know is under all that military BS.  The Jack O'Neill that</I></div> <div> <I>wouldn't leave any one of his kids behind willingly.  Know what's funny?  He</I></div> <div> <I>did leave one of us behind - and he doesn't even realize it.  Of course, he</I></div> <div> <I>can't know something he's not informed about.  Maybe I should tell him.  Let</I></div> <div> <I>the genie out of the bottle as it were.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What would he do, I wonder?  Hit me?  Scream at me?  Hell, he does the latter</I></div> <div> <I>on a regular basis, and he has done the former a time or two.  Maybe he'd</I></div> <div> <I>insist I be dismissed from the SGC.  Wouldn't matter, I've hardly spent any of</I></div> <div> <I>the money I've been paid over these last five, almost six years - I'd be fine. </I></div> <div> <I>Well, not really.  I'd whither away and die without him.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>When Shau're died, it was the most tragic day of my life besides the day my</I></div> <div> <I>parents died.  But I got through that, because of Jack.  He was there then,</I></div> <div> <I>helping me along.  But now I've lost Jack, and I feel as though I died, too. </I></div> <div> <I>And I know from whence I speak - I've died a few times on my own.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I love him.  It's so simply said, those three words.  And yet those three</I></div> <div> <I>little words are the bane of my entire existence.  I love him.  I'd rather die</I></div> <div> <I>than be without him, but I can't live with having him.  I am in hell.  Every</I></div> <div> <I>time I hear his voice I hold my breath to see if he will raise it in anger,</I></div> <div> <I>and when he doesn't I feel so relieved that all I want to do is run away and</I></div> <div> <I>hide before his tone changes and he's yelling at me again.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why can't he care about me again?  What about me is so disgusting to him that</I></div> <div> <I>he finds me practically intolerable?  I've tried everything I know.  I'm used</I></div> <div> <I>up, dried out.  There's nothing left inside any more.  He's not willing to</I></div> <div> <I>fill me with his friendship, therefore I find it adequate to pour myself out</I></div> <div> <I>for his chastisement.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I love him.  And I hate myself.</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack turned to the last page with trembling fingers and swallowed the huge lump in his throat.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Dear Jack,</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to fall in love with you.  Had I known what it would</I></div> <div> <I>do to both of us, I would have stopped it if I could.  You don't deserve this. </I></div> <div> <I>By the time you read this and get back, I'll be gone.  Please know that I love</I></div> <div> <I>you.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Always,</I></div> <div> <I>Daniel</I></div> <bR> <div> Jack grabbed his cell phone and called Cheyenne Mountain.  After several transfers and authorization checks, he was put through at last.  The phone rang constantly until finally a familiar, gruff voice answered.</div> <bR> <div> "Hammond."</div> <bR> <div> "General!  Sir."</div> <bR> <div> "Jack?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yessir.  I'm sorry to call you, sir, but I need a favor."</div> <bR> <div> "What is it?  Is something wrong?"</div> <bR> <div> "God I hope not," Jack said, throwing his clothes in his duffle bag.  "Has Daniel requested leave?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yes, I have the papers here on my desk.  Colonel, is there something I should know about?"</div> <bR> <div> "No sir," Jack said.  "Deny his request.  I can't explain it all right now, but I really need you to turn him down for this."</div> <bR> <div> "Jack, he's counting on this time off.  Said he's planning on visiting some old friends."</div> <bR> <div> "He's not going to come back, General," Jack said firmly, packing up the remaining food as quickly as he could.  "If you let him go, we'll never see him again."</div> <bR> <div> "Colonel, what the hell is this all about?"</div> <bR> <div> "Sir, I'm asking as a personal favor to me.  Please.  Find a way to keep him there until I get back.  I'm leaving right now - packing up as we speak.  I'll be home by tomorrow night."</div> <bR> <div> "You'd better have a damned good explanation for this, Colonel."</div> <bR> <div> "Yes sir.  Thank you, sir."</div> <bR> <div> "Very well.  Get your ass back here, then.  If I'm going to incur the wrath of Daniel Jackson, I sure as hell am not going to do it alone."</div> <bR> <div> "Understood.  And thank you."</div> <bR> <div> "Goodbye, Colonel."</div> <bR> <div> "Goodbye, sir."</div> <bR> <div> Jack hung up and hauled his things out to the truck.  He tried Daniel's number but only got the answering machine.  Swearing frantically he packed the truck then closed the cabin up securely.  He was on his way within an hour.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> Daniel drug himself in the door and saw the light flashing on his answering machine.  He looked at the readout and groaned.  Twenty seven phone calls.  General Hammond had called him in to do an emergency translation that the new SG-9 team had needed for negotiations and had apologized when he told him that taking leave away from the base at this time was just not possible.  Daniel had considered just walking away, but the negotiations were very important and the people that SG-9 would be talking with had a fearsome tradition as warriors and he could not, in good conscience, leave them in such a tenuous</div> <div> position.  He'd completed the translation just a few hours ago and briefed SG-9 as best he could.  He looked at his caller ID and began to scroll through the calls.</div> <bR> <div> His brow furrowed as he realized that all but two of the calls were from Jack's cell phone, but there were no messages.  And all the calls were from last night and today through the entire day.  Realization suddenly hit him and he threw his keys across the room.  "Dammit!" he yelled.  "They did this on purpose to keep me from leaving!  Those conniving bastards!"  Just then he heard the insistent knocking on his door and he stormed up the stairs and yanked it open.  His fury drained away as he saw a disheveled and scruffy Jack</div> <div> O'Neill facing him, his eyes red-rimmed and exhausted.  "Jack?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack held Daniel's journal out to him in quaking hands.  Daniel made to take the book from him but Jack wouldn't release it.  "Daniel?" he said, his voice a harsh whisper.  "I swear to God, I didn't know."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel swallowed hard.  "You read it?"</div> <bR> <div> "Can I come in?  I really don't want to do this out here in the hallway."  Jack finally let go of the journal and Daniel stepped aside to let him in.  Jack took two small steps in and to the side then stopped.  Daniel shut the door quietly and looked at the pitiful sight before him.</div> <bR> <div> "You look like you're ready to fall down.  Come in and have a seat . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel?" Jack said softly.  Daniel turned and looked at him, his eyes full of fear and doubt.  "Did you mean what you wrote?  All of it?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel fought back tears and simply nodded his head.</div> <bR> <div> "Oh god," Jack said in a quiet voice.  "I didn't know I was hurting you that way.  I didn't know how you felt."</div> <bR> <div> "I've already got my flight booked, Jack.  I'm serious about leaving.  If you turning up here is just a ploy to keep me from leaving the SGC . . ."</div> <bR> <div> Jack looked at Daniel.  "You believed in me once, Daniel.  Believe in me just one more time.  I swear I won't screw it up.  Not again."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel felt his resolve weakening.  "I don't know if I can," he answered wearily.  "I don't know if I want to try."</div> <bR> <div> "Just one more chance, Daniel," Jack asked.  "You gave me that damned journal for a reason.  It's not like you to just fire a parting shot and leave without any sort of resolution.  There's got to be some 'want to' left."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel finally raised his eyes and looked into Jack's.  "How long have you been driving?"</div> <bR> <div> "I left yesterday afternoon," Jack said, his voice hoarse.</div> <bR> <div> "I'd offer you a beer, but I don't think you need one of those.  You want coffee?"  Daniel walked into the living room, Jack trailing behind.</div> <bR> <div> "Water'd be good," he answered as he sat down on the couch.  He leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and settling his face into his hands. </div> <bR> <div> After a few moments, Daniel nudged his shoulder with a cold glass and Jack looked up.</div> <bR> <div> "You double teamed me.  You and Hammond."</div> <bR> <div> Jack merely nodded as he watched Daniel sit in a chair across from him.  "I owe him big for that."</div> <bR> <div> "You devastated me, you know that now, don't you?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack's face cringed and he nodded guiltily.  "I know now.  But I didn't know then, Daniel."</div> <bR> <div> "What happened?  Why did you change toward me?  What the hell did I do?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack took a long drink from the glass and leaned back in exhaustion.  "I let myself get too close where you were concerned.  I lost my objectivity.  It scared me, threatened my control, my command."  He rubbed his forehead.  "God, that all sounds so petty, even for me."</div> <bR> <div> "But what did I do?" asked Daniel again.</div> <bR> <div> "Held to your ideals and principles - while I compromised mine."  Jack didn't - couldn't - raise his eyes to meet Daniel's.  "Every time you'd fight me on something, I'd see myself through your eyes and what I saw disgusted me.  It made me angry _ what I'd become and I think I took that anger out on you.  I pushed you farther and farther away hoping that the distance would make seeing what I'd become less clear.  But it didn't."  He laid his head back on the couch.  "Aw Christ, Daniel . . . how the hell did I let things get to this</div> <div> point?  How could I not see what I was doing to you?  What I was doing to all of us?"  He blinked, willing the wetness in his eyes to subside.</div> <bR> <div> "I didn't know what to do," Daniel said quietly, the pain he felt evident in his voice.  "If I could have told you . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "I'm glad you didn't," Jack said honestly.  "I'm glad you did it this way.  This hit me, ya know?  Right between the eyes.  If you had said something before, I would have done just what you thought.  But I wish I would have seen."  He took a ragged breath.  "I never wanted to do this to you.  You've had so much pain and sadness in your life; you didn't need this, too."  He pinched his nose then sniffed.  "How the hell can you have feelings for such a sorry fuck-up like me?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel sat quietly, stirring the ice in his glass with a finger.  "I don't know," he whispered.  "But I do."</div> <bR> <div> "So," Jack said, wiping his face and sitting up, "what do we do?  Can we fix this?  Do you want to try and fix this?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel nodded silently, not able to trust his voice.</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel?" Jack said quietly.  "I'm sorry."</div> <bR> <div> "I know," Daniel said, his voice barely audible.  Tears began to trickle from his eyes despite his attempts to stop them and he bit his lips together to stifle the sob that threatened to break free.</div> <bR> <div> Jack put the glass down and went to him instantly, kneeling beside him.  "Don't cry, Daniel.  Please don't cry."  He braced one hand on Daniel's knee and the other on his upper arm.  "I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, because I know it's too soon and you can't yet.  I just need you to give me time to mend this.  Can . . . can you do that?  Am I asking too much too soon?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel swallowed again.  "I can . . . I can try," he answered.  He raised his eyes to Jack's.  "I'll reschedule the flight, but I'm not canceling the ticket."</div> <bR> <div> "Okay," Jack said and rubbed his hand up and down a few times on Daniel's shin.  "Okay, that's fair.  Look, I'm gonna head home, get some sleep and get myself under control.  I don't have to be back at the Mountain until Monday morning.  You?"  Daniel shook his head.  "I'd like you to come over tomorrow.</div> <div> Is that alright?"</div> <bR> <div> "Why?" Daniel asked.</div> <bR> <div> "We have a lot to talk about and if it gets loud, I don't have neighbors right next door."</div> <bR> <div> "Loud?" Daniel asked, looking pensive.</div> <bR> <div> "These emotions run deep," Jack explained, "and I think I've got a few choice words coming my way.  I'd just like some privacy while we start sorting this stuff out."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel nodded understanding.  He was beginning to shake now that the situation was calming down, the adrenaline in his system causing him to tremble under Jack's hands.  "I need to eat," he said numbly.</div> <bR> <div> "Want me to make you a sandwich or something?" Jack asked.</div> <bR> <div> "No, I'll . . . I'll get it in a little bit.  I'm just a little exhausted right now."</div> <bR> <div> "Okay _ I'll head out then."  Jack stood up, Daniel following him with his eyes.  "Would you mind if I called you once I got home, made sure you're all right?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, sure," Daniel said thickly.  He stood up and walked Jack to the door.</div> <bR> <div> Jack hesitantly pulled Daniel into hug.  He rubbed his hands up and down Daniel's back and smiled a little when he felt Daniel hug him back ever so slightly.  Daniel pulled away and gave him a weak smile.  "Helluva day, huh?" he asked.</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah.  Helluva day."  Jack opened the door and stepped outside.  "I'll call when I get home."  Tiredly he made his way down the hall and to the elevator.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel closed the door and leaned against it heavily.  With his mind on autopilot he headed to the kitchen and warmed some leftover stew, ate it quickly then changed for bed.  He'd just crawled between the sheets when the phone rang.  Picking up the headset on the night stand, he keyed the 'talk' button.  "Hello."</div> <bR> <div> "Hey," came Jack's quiet reply.  "The house is still here."</div> <bR> <div> "Good to know," Daniel said, nestling down further under his blankets.</div> <bR> <div> "Sounds like you're already in bed," Jack said as he walked through the house checking that all was well.</div> <bR> <div> "I just crawled in."</div> <bR> <div> "I'll be doing the same in a few minutes," Jack said, putting away the few cold items he had.  "You okay?"</div> <bR> <div> "I don't know, really," Daniel said softly.  "What about you?"</div> <bR> <div> "I don't know either."  There was a brief pause.  "But as long as I know there's hope of fixing things, I'll be okay."</div> <bR> <div> "It's more than just fixing things," Daniel said, feeling his body begin to relax at last.</div> <bR> <div> "I know," Jack said and Daniel could tell he'd finally sat down somewhere and stopped walking.  "And that's some of what we have to talk about this weekend."</div> <bR> <div> "That sounds ominous," Daniel said, pulling the comforter up underneath his chin.</div> <bR> <div> "Not really.  We just need to cut the bullshit and be honest with each other, that's all.  We'll make it, Daniel.  I know we will."</div> <bR> <div> "I hope so," Daniel said, not able to face the possibility of going through all this only to lose Jack in the end.</div> <bR> <div> "I'm gonna let you get to sleep," Jack said, his voice soft.  "You sound halfway there already."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel gave a small chuckle.  "Three quarters."</div> <bR> <div> "Sleep well," Jack said.</div> <bR> <div> "You too."  Daniel could feel himself beginning to drift.</div> <bR> <div> "Hey Daniel?"</div> <bR> <div> "Hmm?"  There was a few moments silence and Daniel frowned.</div> <bR> <div> "Goodnight," Jack said, his voice more soft and tender than Daniel could ever remember hearing.  The phone clicked and then there was dial tone.  Daniel hung up and stared into the darkness before sleep finally overwhelmed him.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> Jack was just putting in the last load of laundry when he heard the front doorbell ring.  He bound up the stairs from the basement and hurried to the door, fully expecting to see Daniel standing there.  Instead he was greeted with Carter's expectant face.  "Carter," he said surprised.</div> <bR> <div> "Sir," she said cheerily.  "I was going to take Teal'c out to lunch and wondered if you'd like to come along.  I heard from General Hammond that you came back a few days early."</div> <bR> <div> "Um, actually - I've got plans.  Thanks for the invite though."</div> <bR> <div> "Plans?" she asked, looking at him curiously.  "Really?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yes, really," he said, casting a furtive glance outside to see if Daniel was there yet.</div> <bR> <div> "Expecting someone?" she asked coyly.</div> <bR> <div> "Look, Carter, this just really isn't a good time.  I'll take a rain check on lunch, okay?"</div> <bR> <div> "Do you have a date?" she asked.</div> <bR> <div> "Carter, I don't really see where that's . . ."  Just then Jack's eye caught Daniel's car pulling up and he grimaced.  "Look, Daniel's here and we've got some things to go over.  So, you'll excuse me for being rude . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "Well, he can come along," Sam said, obviously oblivious to her CO's hint for her to depart.</div> <bR> <div> "No, Carter, he can't.  Now, if you don't mind, Daniel and I have some things to talk about, so..."</div> <bR> <div> She turned to look at him strangely.  "Sir, if there's something wrong. . ."</div> <bR> <div> "If there's something wrong Major, it's that you can't take a hint.  Now . . . please," he said harshly, pointing to her car.</div> <bR> <div> She gave him a cold stare.  "I see.  Sorry I bothered you, sir."  She turned sharply and walked down the path, passing Daniel along the way.  "Daniel," she said cooly and kept walking.</div> <bR> <div> "Wha.... Sam, hey."  He watched her leave then turned to look questioningly at Jack.  Sam got in her car, slammed the door and pulled away quickly from the house.  "Jack, what's up?"</div> <bR> <div> "Nothing," Jack said tiredly, "other than Carter can't take a hint."  He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the headache of the past two days poised to make a come back.  "Come on in."  He held the door open for Daniel who walked inside nervously.  "You want something to drink?  I managed to get to the store this morning and actually buy some groceries."</div> <bR> <div> "Juice?" Daniel answered and went to sit down on the couch.</div> <bR> <div> "Actually, let's head downstairs.  I can better ignore the phone and visitors down there."  Jack pointed down the stairs.</div> <bR> <div> "Okay," Daniel shrugged.  He'd known Jack had recently finished out his basement but he hadn't been over to see it.  He carefully went down the stairs and was surprised at the sight before him.  The entire room looked like a well apportioned sports bar.  Daniel smiled.  This would certainly become Jack's favorite part of the house.  "This is . . . wow."</div> <bR> <div> Jack winced inwardly as he realized Daniel hadn't been over in so long that he hadn't seen the newly remodeled area.  He handed the glass of orange juice to Daniel and motioned him to a comfortable looking sectional couch that took up two full walls.  Daniel veritably sunk into the cushions when he sat down. </div> <div> "Nice," he complimented.</div> <bR> <div> "Thanks," Jack answered.  He came to sit near Daniel, yet far enough away that the man didn't feel crowded.  He took a deep breath and looked at Daniel.  "I don't even know where to start."</div> <bR> <div> "Me either," Daniel admitted.  "The phone call last night.  That . . . meant a lot."</div> <bR> <div> Jack futzed with the seam on one of the cushions.  "Did you sleep okay?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, like a log," Daniel said and took a small drink of juice.  "You?"</div> <bR> <div> "Same."  He let out a frustrated breath.  "I feel like I need to spend about the next three months apologizing to you."</div> <bR> <div> "I know you're sorry, Jack."</div> <bR> <div> Jack nodded.  "Still, there's no excuse for how I acted.  How I treated you."</div> <bR> <div> "No," Daniel said, "no there's not."</div> <bR> <div> "I don't know where to start cleaning up the mess."  He looked up at Daniel.  "Tell me where to start, Daniel."</div> <bR> <div> "Tell me why you thought I was a threat," Daniel said softly and sipped at his drink.</div> <bR> <div> Jack grunted and reclined back into the corner of the sofa, scrubbing his hands over his face.  "There were feelings . . . ones I'd never had before."  He shrugged, not knowing how to explain it.  "I've been in the military over half my life.  Been around guys who don't mind having a buddy help them out when they've been a little too long away from home, ya know?"  Daniel nodded that he understood.  "But I never was one of those guys.  I didn't . . . I just could never understand . . . it's not that I'm homophobic . . . shit, I don't know how to explain it.  I just never thought that having a guy was any sort of replacement for a woman.  I was never attracted to a man before.  Then after Iraq . . ." Jack let the sentence drop.  Daniel winced as he recalled the brief explanations Jack had given him.  Four months in an Iraqi prison.  Although Jack had never said so specifically, Daniel knew he'd been brutalized horribly and very probably repeatedly raped.  Jack began talking again, his voice barely above a whisper.  "When you came to the SGC, I couldn't  believe what I saw.  I didn't think one person could be that much of a geek and live.  When we went to Abydos and things got tough, I saw something in you I have seen in very few others.  There was this selflessness, ya know?  You saved my sorry ass and the rest of the team's.  Never saw bravery like you showed during that mission."  </div> <bR> <div> Jack scratched absently at his knee before he spoke again.  "When they came to get me to question me about that first mission, and Hammond said he was going to send another bomb through. . . ."  He shook his head, not able to find the words.  "I knew you were out there, still alive with all the kids and Shau're.  And that's when it first hit me.  I'd compromised myself on that first mission because of you."  He shook his head again, this time in frustration.  "No, that didn't come out right.  I mean, I let what I thought of you influence my decisions not only on that planet, but when I got back as well.  I've never done anything like that before, not because of my emotions.  Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of things on my record that will keep me from ever seeing the rank of general, but I'd never dealt from the heart that way."</div> <bR> <div> He looked up at Daniel to see his reaction and what he saw nearly took his breath away.  Daniel was sitting quietly, wide eyed, practically hanging on every word he said.  Jack swallowed and looked away quickly.  "It started happening more and more, the way I'd favor your opinions over everyone else's.  Teal'c and Carter don't talk me into half the stuff you do.  I knew it wasn't just a case of playing favorites.  There were feelings that I didn't want to put a name to and didn't want to face.  I panicked.  I fell back into the hard-ass military sumbitch I'd been before, hoping it would help straighten me out."</div> <bR> <div> "Did you know how I felt about you?" Daniel asked tentatively.</div> <bR> <div> "No clue," Jack said with a slow shake of his head.  "Hell I didn't even realize what it was that was making me act that way."  He looked up with eyes begging for understanding.  "You know I'm not real good with all this feelings and sharing stuff."</div> <bR> <div> "I know," Daniel agreed with a slight grin.  "I'm amazed you've said as much as you have."</div> <bR> <div> "You're not the only one," Jack muttered and shifted around a bit, trying to find a more comfortable sprawl.  "What about you?  Have you ever . . . been attracted to . . ."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel drew in a deep breath and shook his head.  "No.  Had some severe bouts with hero worship," he said with a shy smile, "but never attraction.  Never . . . emotion . . . like, like this."  He finished the rest of his juice and set the glass down on the floor.  "Apparently women find me quite attractive," he said bluntly.  Jack looked at him and gave him a teasing little smile.  "Far be it from me to ever turn them down."  Daniel shrugged.  "They always came after me, though.  I never went after them.  Sarah pretty much told me I would be dating her.  So I did."  He and Jack both laughed.  "Shau're was different.  She was given to me that night on Abydos and she tried so hard to seduce me - she just didn't know how.  I felt so bad for her."  He smiled sadly, remembering their 'honeymoon' night.  "I came to the startling revelation that I'm no good at seduction either."  He laughed at that then swallowed back the lump in his throat.  "When I realized what I felt for you, there was absolutely no hope whatsoever that I'd ever be able to . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "Seduce me?" Jack asked carefully.</div> <bR> <div> "Not as such," Daniel explained.  "More like  - convey to you with any measure of competence what I was feeling."  He looked Jack square in the eye.  "I barely managed to fumble through with Shau're those first few times we were together.  I have absolutely no idea what is required to successfully seduce a</div> <div> man.  For instance," he said, holding up a finger to punctuate his point, "do men hold hands?  Do you bring flowers to another man?  What about chocolates?  Do guys even kiss after a date?"  He lifted his eyebrows at Jack, waiting for an answer.</div> <bR> <div> "You're asking the wrong guy.  I have no idea."  Jack let out a little laugh.  "Do guys hold hands?"</div> <bR> <div> "That's what I mean.  I don't know!" Daniel said emphatically.  "What are the ground rules?  What are the norms?  I really don't feel like I want to redo my bedroom in pink and mauve, or mince around the SGC in sequins - and I know that's horribly stereotypical and I apologize for that blatantly homophobic comment - but isn't there a rule book or something?  A published set of guidelines for straight men who suddenly find themselves attracted to another man?"</div> <bR> <div> "Do you kiss on the first date?" Jack asked suddenly.</div> <bR> <div> "Usually," Daniel sighed and leaned back.  "I mean, good God, Jack.  You're looking at a man who got married on the first date."</div> <bR> <div> "Well there is that," Jack said kindly.  He pointed at the empty glass.  "You want some more?"</div> <bR> <div> "What time is it?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack glanced at the large clock over the bar.  "Nearly one."</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, I'll take another.  And toss some Vodka or something into it.  It's going to be a long afternoon."</div> <bR> <div> "If you're going to start drinking now, you're not driving home.  You can crash here tonight in the spare room."</div> <bR> <div> "I'll behave and only have one."  He glared at Jack.  "For now."</div> <bR> <div> Jack pulled himself from the couch and grabbed Daniel's glass.  He put the glass on the bar then easily took the stairs.  Daniel heard the sounds from the kitchen as Jack grabbed the juice and another glass.  He trotted back down and stepped behind the bar, quickly mixing two drinks and putting the carton of juice in the mini_fridge behind him.  He handed Daniel back his glass and resettled himself.  He took a drink then set the glass on the ledge behind the couch.  "What are you hoping for in all this?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel took a long drink of his own, enjoying the tingle of the liquor as it spilled down his throat.  "I don't know.  All I've been able to see for so long is you not wanting me around, I guess my main focus was on being friends again."</div> <bR> <div> "Would that be enough for you now?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel thought about it for a few moments.  "If the feelings aren't returned, then yes, it would have to be enough.  If I . . ." he paused and took a deep breath.  "If I knew you felt the same way, then no, it wouldn't."  Daniel stared into the bright orange color of his drink.  "I meant what I said in that journal.  You're so far in my heart now, I'll never get you out."</div> <bR> <div> "I don't want you to," Jack said quietly.  "And I do . . .  feel the same way, I mean," Jack finally admitted.  Daniel looked back up to see Jack's eyes gazing at him softly.</div> <bR> <div> "Just like that?  You read my diary and suddenly you're in love?"</div> <bR> <div> "No, I read your diary, got a huge kick in the ass and finally admitted to myself that I feel the same.  And have for quite a while, apparently."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel was quiet for a long minutes, taking in what Jack told him.  His head screamed at him to take his time with this, go slow, make Jack prove himself - but his heart, as always, lead the way and plunged headlong into the emotions he'd been trying to keep at bay for years.  He closed his eyes in resignation</div> <div> and sighed.  "I'm glad," he finally said and chanced a small smile in Jack's direction.</div> <bR> <div> They fell silent, each trying to come to terms with what had just been confessed.  As usual, Jack was the one to break the moment.</div> <bR> <div> "What about the, uh, physical . . . stuff?" he asked.</div> <bR> <div> "Oh god," Daniel said with a nervous laugh and took another gulp from his drink.  Jack followed suit and they sat in silence for a few minutes.  "Do . . .I mean . . . are you interested in that sort of relationship with another man?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack stared straight down into the glass in his hands.  "I, um . . . see. . . I . . . aww fuck."  He rolled his head back and let out a long breath.  "I'm a big, big fan of sex, Daniel.  BIG fan.  From way back."  He brought his head back forward and looked over at Daniel.  "Sara used to say that what I couldn't put into words, I could put into actions.  And we've already discussed how much I hate talking about feelings."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel downed the rest of his drink and stood up.  "I need another one of these."</div> <bR> <div> Jack finished his drink quickly and held up the glass.  "Me too."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel grabbed it then made his way to the bar.  He mixed the drinks then returned to the couch.  He handed Jack his glass then resumed his place.  He took a smaller drink than the last one he'd gulped and purposefully set the glass aside.  "I definitely want a physical relationship with you."</div> <bR> <div> "Right away?" Jack managed.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel nodded his head slowly.  "We'll probably scare ourselves half to death at first, but yes, I'd want a physical relationship sooner than later."</div> <bR> <div> "Ok-ay," Jack said, rubbing his brow with his hand, "if that's the case, then there are some things I need to tell you.  Things you've probably already guessed, but if we're going to do this, I want us to do this right, and that means honesty."  He let out a loud sigh and clenched his fists before letting them relax slowly.  "I need to tell you about Iraq."</div> <bR> <div> "No," Daniel said firmly.  "I know that it was a very painful time for you and you don't have to tell me anything, Jack.  I mean it."</div> <bR> <div> "I can't tell you about the mission, or where I was exactly, but I can tell you about what happened in the prison.  I need to, Daniel.  You deserve to know.  The truth is, you may want to touch me in certain . . . ways . . .  and there's a chance I might react . . . badly.  I have to make sure you know that it's not you.  If I tell you now, I won't have to fight through telling you when . . .if it happens."</div> <bR> <div> "You were raped," Daniel said quietly, calmly.</div> <bR> <div> "Yes," Jack answered just as quietly.  "Many, many times."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel closed his eyes as waves of emotion washed over him.  Hatred for the people who'd hurt Jack,  despair for what Jack had gone through, pride that Jack had endured and bested the people who sought to break him.  "Jack, please . . . you don't need to tell me."</div> <bR> <div> "You've seen me in the showers on base, right?  Looked?"</div> <bR> <div> "Sort of, not that closely."</div> <bR> <div> Jack stood up and grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it up just above his hips.  He turned around and lifted it up his back.  "Look."</div> <bR> <div> "What?"</div> <bR> <div> "Look," Jack repeated.  "Come over here and look."  Hesitantly Daniel scooted over on the couch and bent to examine the skin being bared for his inspection.  His eyes went wide as he saw the tracery of scars across Jack's low back.  The lines were long and jagged and in places he could see the marks from the</div> <div> stitches.  Before he realized what he was doing, Daniel reached out and touched one of the thicker scars.  Jack started slightly but didn't move.  "Ah Jack," Daniel said, his voice thick with pain.  "I'm sorry."</div> <bR> <div> "They go all the way down to just above my knees.  Lots of scars, Daniel.  I carry lots of scars."  Daniel knew he meant more than what could be seen on the outside.  He fixed Daniel with a stare that chilled him to the bone.  "They get worse the further down you go.  There was some - damage - done in the more important areas.  I was lucky to come out of that whole business with everything still attached and working." </div> <bR> <div> Daniel grabbed his glass and took another drink.  He could feel the alcohol beginning to spin through his body and he told himself that after this he wouldn't have any more to drink.  Things were becoming too important, too deep for him to allow himself to get tipsy.</div> <bR> <div> Jack downed the rest of his drink and hunkered back into the couch.  "When I came home, Sarah tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, but she never touched me the same way she used to.  She was always so careful, almost afraid.  Pretty soon she just stopped trying."  Jack turned pained eyes on Daniel.  "I needed her to touch me, to let me know I was still someone she wanted.  It was never the same though.  She never took the initiative, stopped doing some of the things she used to do."  Jack shrugged.  "I think she found it disgusting, the way I looked.  The scars - the changes.</div> <bR> <div> "There'll be scarring . . . inside . . . too.  From the . . . things they used on me."  Jack gave a defeated little smile.  "Little souvenirs from a country far, far away."</div> <bR> <div> "I hate what happened to you.  What it did to you," Daniel said, his voice hoarse from fighting back the emotion.</div> <bR> <div> "Even after all these years," Jack admitted, "I still hate them.  Every last one."</div> <bR> <div> "We won't do anything you don't want to do," Daniel promised.</div> <bR> <div> "I know," Jack smiled reassuringly.  "I trust you."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel felt the first block of a rebuilt relationship slip into place and he found a smile to give to Jack.  Their little 'heart to heart' was off to a pretty good start.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> "And so, what exactly are you saying?" Daniel demanded as he paced back and forth in the recreation room.  "I'm unable to take care of myself?"</div> <bR> <div> "You know I'm not saying that," Jack said through grit teeth.</div> <bR> <div> "Well then what exactly are you saying?  Because what I'm hearing is that I'm some bubble headed pretty boy who has a penchant for running away from his wise elders to get into all sorts of mischief!  Do you even realize that I'm nearly forty years old?  Or that I've been on my own since I was sixteen?"</div> <bR> <div> "I'm saying that there are a helluva lot more races out there who'd just as soon kill us as look at us and that you have to remember that when we're out in the field."</div> <bR> <div> "Well excuse me if I don't agree with your 'shoot first say hello later' mentality."</div> <bR> <div> "We can't just walk into a situation assuming everyone is like you and wants to be friends right off the bat.  And when did I ever say you were a bubble head?"</div> <bR> <div> "In not so many words," Daniel huffed.</div> <bR> <div> "I've always, always said you were way smarter than me.  Hell, you're way smarter than anyone I've ever met, and I'm including Carter in that all-encompassing statement."  Jack glared at Daniel.  "I'll give you pretty boy with the option to recant later, though."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel stared at Jack and bit the inside of his cheek, but to no avail.  The grin started and he shook his head in frustration at himself.  "I've never met anyone who can fight dirtier than you, O'Neill."</div> <bR> <div> "That's why there's a Colonel in front of my name."</div> <bR> <div> "Bastard."</div> <bR> <div> "Jerk."</div> <bR> <div> "Neanderthal."</div> <bR> <div> "Geek."</div> <bR> <div> "Assbite."</div> <bR> <div> "Maybe later," Jack said with a small quirk of an eyebrow.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel laughed despite himself and sat forward rubbing his eyes.  "We're so dysfunctional it's frightening."</div> <bR> <div> "Hey _ it's us."</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> ". . . because you have to know that I would never purposely lead you into trouble," Daniel said, leaning in close to Jack, putting a hand on his arm.  "I just think that there are always alternatives to violence."</div> <bR> <div> "There are times when you have to fight, Daniel," Jack said firmly.  "And you have to know that I hate those times as much as you, but it's why I'm out there.  I'm not there for when things go right, I'm there for when things go wrong."</div> <bR> <div> "When the Gadmere finally understood, Jack, wasn't that a good thing?"</div> <bR> <div> "Of course it was, I'm not debating that," Jack sighed.</div> <bR> <div> "If you had just given me some time to work it through, I could have resolved it.  I did resolve it, but I had to do it behind your back and counter to your orders.  How do you think I felt about that?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack shrugged and shook his head that he didn't know.</div> <bR> <div> "You don't trust me, Jack.  You've always had a hard time trusting me."</div> <bR> <div> "That's not true," Jack said, standing up quickly.  He strode over to the window and gazed outside at the gathering shadows.</div> <bR> <div> "You take Sam's suggestions as gospel truth and never think twice about them.  With me, it's like I'm telling you to click your heels together three times and say 'there's no place like home.'  Why can't you believe in me unconditionally like you do Sam?  Why can't you trust me?"</div> <bR> <div> "I do trust you," Jack reiterated, his voice barely above a whisper.</div> <bR> <div> "Jack, you don't . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "You scare me," Jack spit out.  "You run in where God himself would be scared to go, and the only thing on my mind at those times is getting you the hell out of the situation before you get killed . . . again."  He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and kicked at a tuft in the carpet.  "I can't let you die anymore, Danny.  I just can't."</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> ". . . so this guy I know does engraving and he did this whole front of the bar for me."  Jack rubbed his hand over the hand etched brass railing on the front of the bar.</div> <bR> <div> "Are these Celtic?" Daniel asked, bending close, examining the work.</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, it is," Jack smiled proudly.  "He said it's the history of the O'Neill family."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel stood up and smiled at Jack.  "Personally I like the way you've got the fish tanks in the corners," he said, waving to the far ends of the bar.</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> "My dad never really gave a rat's ass," Jack said as he sipped at the mug of coffee in his hands.  "And my mom, she sort of floated through life, doing whatever dad told her to.  Boot camp was a relief."</div> <bR> <div> "Did you get a chance to reconcile anything with your father before he died?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack shook his head.  "I was on a mission when he passed.  They gave me the chance to go home when I got back, but I didn't see the point.  Mom didn't give any indication she cared one way or the other if I came home."</div> <bR> <div> "From what you've told me about Sarah, she was pretty much the opposite of your mother."</div> <bR> <div> Jack snorted and rolled his head along the back of the couch to look at Daniel sitting on his left.  "You have no idea."  Both men chuckled.  "They say that women marry men who are like their fathers, which, if that's true . . . eesh." </div> <bR> <bR> <div> "Men are supposed to marry women who are like their mothers as well," Daniel said.</div> <bR> <div> "I purposely didn't," Jack said.  "I went out and found the most head strong, opinionated, self-sufficient person I could."  His eyes became sad.  "Still didn't keep me from screwing it up."</div> <bR> <div> "It wasn't all you, I'm sure," Daniel said, his voice gentle.  "Takes two to make a marriage."</div> <bR> <div> "I think the deck was probably stacked against Sarah," Jack sighed.  "She didn't bargain for everything she got when she hooked up with me."</div> <bR> <div> "What about us?" Daniel asked.</div> <bR> <div> "Do you want there to be an us?" Jack returned.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel nodded slightly.  "Yeah, I think I do."</div> <bR> <div> ++++</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel, come here and scratch my nose," Jack said as he continued to tear apart lettuce for the salad.</div> <bR> <div> "Jack, that's disgusting," Daniel said with a scowl.</div> <bR> <div> "Come over here before I sneeze into the salad, dammit."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel snorted and grabbed a paper towel on his way to his friend.  He held it up and Jack rubbed his nose furiously against the rough cloth.  Daniel crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage.  "And so ends the holding hands mystery."</div> <bR> <div> "What?" Jack asked as he yanked apart more green leaves.</div> <bR> <div> "I just scratched your nose.  The appropriateness of holding hands is no longer an issue."</div> <bR> <div> "Sort of all goes together after a little bit, doesn't it?"  Jack smiled and eyed the steaks in the oven through the glass door.  "Time to turn those."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel grabbed the tongs and opened the convection oven's door, flipping the marinated steaks over in their pan.  He closed the door and went back to mixing the dressing.  "You have any balsamic?"</div> <bR> <div> "Uhhhhhh," Jack droned as he surveyed his cabinets.  "Over the hood?"</div> <bR> <div> "He asks, as though I'd know,"  Daniel mumbled as he reached up to open the cupboard door, his shirt riding well up his sides.  Jack let his eyes gaze at the flawless, golden skin revealed by the action.  He wondered what Daniel felt like, if he'd be as soft-skinned as he looked.  He turned his eyes back</div> <div> to his work and pondered the question.  Would Daniel like being caressed?  Kissed all over?  The  tightening in his groin let him know that there were parts of him willing to find out.  Daniel grunted as he jiggled a bottle down from the shelf.  It fell into his palm.</div> <bR> <div> "Does that stuff go bad?" Jack asked.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel took the stopper off and sniffed.  "Apparently not."  He dipped his finger into the spout, tilted the bottle so the liquid hit his fingertip, then licked it off.  Jack felt himself twitch at the sight.  "Seems fine to me.  Then again, how can you tell if vinegar goes bad?"</div> <bR> <div> Jack shook his head and resumed his task.  He began to slice tomatoes, eggs, cooked bacon and olives.  Daniel put the bowl of homemade dressing next to him then grabbed a pan and began to prepare the shrimp for sauteeing.  "When you said you went grocery shopping, I was thinking a sandwich and a bowl of soup."</div> <bR> <div> "Figured we'd sort of deserve more after our soul-bearing session," Jack said as he dressed the salad.  He handed Daniel the garlic and shallots he'd previously minced.</div> <bR> <div> "Thank you," Daniel said as he waited for the pan to come to temperature.  Jack rinsed and dried his hands then went to stand next to Daniel, leaning onto the counter with one hand so he was facing him directly.</div> <bR> <div> "Daniel?"</div> <bR> <div> "Mm?"  Shrimp began to sizzle in the pan.</div> <bR> <div> "Okay with you if this is our first date?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel smiled slightly and glanced quickly at the older man.  "Why?"</div> <bR> <div> "I'd like to try kissing you but I can't unless it's our first date."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel chewed his bottom lip.  His head began waving red flags and setting off a thousand screaming sirens, but his heart merely thumped once then fluttered.  He kicked his 'voice of reason' in the butt and looked nervously at Jack.  "Okay.  This is our first date."  He pulled the shrimp off the heat and turned</div> <div> to face the older man.</div> <bR> <div> "This is so freakin' weird," Jack said with a little shake of his head.</div> <bR> <div> "You're telling me," Daniel agreed.</div> <bR> <div> Jack took Daniel's face in his hands and looked at him - closely - for the first time.  Daniel had removed his glasses earlier and his blue eyes appeared even bluer without the reflective lenses in front of them.  Rimmed with long, sable brown lashes, they seemed infinite - bottomless.  Square jaw, full lips, a nose that was slightly crooked yet still perfectly proportioned to the rest of the features, and mobile eyebrows over it all led Jack to one heartbreaking, breath stealing conclusion.  "I never saw it before," he whispered, running his thumbs gently over Daniel's flushing cheeks.</div> <bR> <div> "What?" Daniel asked, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.</div> <bR> <div> Jack breathed in Daniel's scent.  "God, I must have been blind."  He brought their lips together slowly until he felt the fullness beneath his open slightly and press back.  Another small shift and Jack let his mouth begin to slide over and mold with Daniel's.  The kiss was warm, sweet, and tender.  When at last he peeled his lips away, he felt Daniel's arms snugged around his waist, held in place by fingers laced together at his lower back.  He licked his lips, enjoying the unique taste of 'Daniel' that lingered there and smiled as he watched Daniel trace the movement with his eyes.  "Hi."</div> <bR> <div> "Hello," Daniel said, this time with a smile that was wide and bright.</div> <bR> <div> "Feeling less weird by the second, here."</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, me too."</div> <bR> <div> Jack rubbed Daniel's upper arms slowly and let out a small sigh.  "This one's going into the books as one of those 'meaning of life' things."</div> <bR> <div> "I was thinking the same thing."  Daniel couldn't seem to take the smile from his face.  "We should probably finish dinner," he said quietly, taking his arms slowly from around Jack, but letting his hands run firmly around him as they departed.</div> <bR> <div> "Probably," Jack said, stepping back out of Daniel's personal space.  He felt inexplicably bereft.</div> <bR> <div> Daniel went back to his scampi while Jack finished off the steaks and pulled the baked potatoes from the back of the oven.  With a little cream and some seasoning, Jack soon had a sauce finished and Daniel was dishing up the shrimp.  They plated the food then moved to the dining room table where a bottle of wine had been opened and a few candles lit.  Jack turned off as many lights as was practical as well as the overhead chandelier.  Daniel glanced up at him.  "And suddenly we're having a romantic dinner."</div> <bR> <div> "I have a feeling there will be many 'suddenlies' for a while," Jack said as he sat down.  He watched  Daniel's hands as he poured the wine and had the overwhelming urge to hold hands.  He smiled and looked away.</div> <bR> <div> They cut into their food, savoring the first bites as the rich flavors played over their tongues.  "This is good," Jack said, slightly amazed as he speared more salad.  "We didn't do too badly for our first time in the kitchen together."</div> <bR> <div> "Food's not too badly prepared, either," Daniel said, followed immediately by a slight warming of his face.  He rolled his eyes at his own small joke and looked back down at his plate.</div> <bR> <div> "Why Daniel, are you flirting with me?"</div> <bR> <div> "I'm trying," the younger man admitted then laughed.</div> <bR> <div> "Keep going," Jack said softly.  "It's working."</div> <bR> <div> They ate slowly, talking about work and the gossip Jack had missed for the two weeks he was gone.  When the meal was over they cleaned up, loaded the dishwasher and Jack went to put on some coffee.  "No.  Don't bother, Jack.  I think I should go."</div> <bR> <div> "What?"  Jack asked, confused.  "Why?  Did I do some . . ."</div> <bR> <div> "No, no, Jack, no.  There's nothing wrong.  That's the point.  Let's not - push anything.  It's been so good today, all of it.  The talking, the honesty, the closeness.  It's just all been sooo. . ."</div> <bR> <div> "Good?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah.  Good."  Daniel smiled his shy smile again and Jack felt his stomach do a little flip.  "I'll, uh, I'll give you a call tomorrow.  We can go do something."</div> <bR> <div> "We're taking things slowly," Jack stated.</div> <bR> <div> "Yesterday was so hard and today was so amazing.  It's a huge swing in a very short time.  We both need time to catch up."</div> <bR> <div> "Okay," Jack said and drew in a deep breath.  He smiled at Daniel and walked him to the door.</div> <bR> <div> "Can we do the goodnight kiss thing?" Daniel asked bashfully.</div> <bR> <div> Jack answered him by stepping up against him and sliding his hands onto his hips.  "I was hoping you'd want to."  This time when their lips met, Daniel greeted Jack firmly, eagerly.  His hands slid up Jack's strong arms and came to rest over his biceps.  He licked out with the tip of his tongue and ran it</div> <div> teasingly along the underside of Jack's upper lip then chuckled at the older man's startled  reaction.  "I've wanted to do that for years."</div> <bR> <div> "Lick my upper lip?" Jack asked against Daniel's moist mouth.</div> <bR> <div> "Yep," Daniel snickered, kissing Jack's lower lip as he formed the word.  Jack pursed his mouth and kissed him back.</div> <bR> <div> "Why?"</div> <bR> <div> Daniel pulled back and looked into Jack's soft brown eyes.  "I was sitting listening to you give the details of some mission we were going on.  You were standing up beside me and when I looked up. . ."  He paused and kissed Jack again.  "I noticed that you have a very sexy upper lip.  Looks thin, until you</div> <div> see it from a slightly different angle."  He pressed his mouth to Jack's once more.  "Like when you're asleep."</div> <bR> <div> "You've watched me sleep?"</div> <bR> <div> "At night on missions, I usually stay up for awhile after you've come in from your watch."</div> <bR> <div> Jack tugged Daniel close, winding his arms around him, feeling Daniel do the same.  He began to rock them slowly, side to side.  He turned his face into Daniel's hair as the other man lay his head down onto his shoulder, warm breath caressing his neck.  "Don't give up on me, Daniel."</div> <bR> <div> "I'm still scared, Jack," Daniel admitted, but his voice was calm, peaceful.</div> <bR> <div> "I know.  Me too."  He began to rub slow circles over Daniel's back.  "Give us some time.  We'll be okay again."  He pressed a kiss into Daniel's silken hair.  "We'll be way better than okay."</div> <bR> <div> "I'm starting to believe you," Daniel whispered.</div> <bR> <div> "I'll prove it to you.  I promise."  Jack held Daniel for long minutes, listening to him breath, feeling the strong warmth of his body against his.  At last Daniel pulled back slightly, then zeroed in for one last, lingering</div> <div> kiss.</div> <bR> <div> "Gotta go," he said apologetically.</div> <bR> <div> "Call me when you get home?" Jack asked hopefully.</div> <bR> <div> "This is going to be a thing with us, isn't it?  One last phone call before bed?"</div> <bR> <div> "Hope so," Jack smiled.</div> <bR> <div> "G'night Jack."</div> <bR> <div> "Night Daniel."  Jack finally released Daniel from his embrace and watched him walk out the door and to his car.  He leaned in the doorway until Daniel's tail lights could no longer be seen.  He closed the door and locked it, shutting off the lights as he made his way to his bedroom.</div> <bR> <div> Thirty minutes later the phone rang and Jack pulled the headset from it's charger by the bed.  "You make it home okay?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, no problems," Daniel said.  "Well, except I find myself missing you."</div> <bR> <div> Jack felt his heart beat faster.  "That's good news.  Ready to cash in that ticket yet?"</div> <bR> <div> "Thinking about it.  You already in bed?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yep, all snug."</div> <bR> <div> "Today meant the world to me, Jack.  I hope you realize that."</div> <bR> <div> "I knew it must have been important.  You didn't yell once."</div> <bR> <div> Daniel snickered.  "Neither did you."</div> <bR> <div> "See, I can do it.  I just need to be motivated."</div> <bR> <div> "Am I motivation enough?"</div> <bR> <div> "All I'll ever need," Jack assured him.</div> <bR> <div> "Glad to hear that."  Jack could hear muffled scuffing sounds over the phone.  "I feel like I could sleep for a month."</div> <bR> <div> "You don't have to get up early tomorrow.  I'll be here all day.  I'm sure we can find some sort of trouble to get in to in the afternoon just as easily as we could in the morning."</div> <bR> <div> "Of that I have no doubt."  Jack heard Daniel stifle a yawn.</div> <bR> <div> "We're both exhausted."</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah, I guess we are at that.  Jack?"</div> <bR> <div> "Hmm?"</div> <bR> <div> "Thank you.  I didn't think things would go like this.  I really didn't."</div> <bR> <div> "I was an idiot, Daniel.  I should've had the balls to do this years ago.  I wish I had."</div> <bR> <div> "Can I ask you a question?"</div> <bR> <div> "Sure," Jack said, his brow furrowing in the darkness.</div> <bR> <div> "You don't think this is some sort of strange mid-life crisis, do you?"</div> <bR> <div> "No, I can pretty much guarantee you are the only male I'm interested in getting cozy with.  So I'd pretty much say. . . this is just about you."</div> <bR> <div> "That, uh, that makes me feel better," Daniel said with a little laugh.</div> <bR> <div> "Maybe I haven't so much become homosexual as . . . Danielsexual."</div> <bR> <div> There was a long pause - followed by a loud snort and helpless gulps of laughter from the other end of the line.  Jack let himself smile widely.  "What?"</div> <bR> <div> "Christ, O'Neill," Daniel snickered.  "You're priceless, you know that?"</div> <bR> <div> "How could you possibly put a price on me, Dannyboy?  I'm a one of a kind."</div> <bR> <div> "Truer words were never spoken," Daniel said and Jack could tell he was still smiling.  "Hey, Jack?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yeah?"</div> <bR> <div> "I . . . you know."</div> <bR> <div> "Me too," Jack said, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.</div> <bR> <div> "Good night, Jack.  Sweet dreams."</div> <bR> <div> "You too.  Bye."</div> <bR> <div> "Bye."</div> <bR> <div> Jack heard the dial tone and hung the phone up slowly.  He turned to the empty side of the bed and pictured Daniel as he'd seen him on countless missions, wrapped in the peace of sleep and dreaming.  With that thought in his mind, he let himself drift off.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> - finis -</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="mailto:claforce@plotexpo.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:claforce@plotexpo.com"><U>Give the author's ego a marshmallow . . . please feed the bear.</U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id3_sg1_slash.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Stargate SG1 Slash Fiction"><U>Back to Fic List</U></A>     <A HREF="id2_directory.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directory Listing"><U>Back to Directory</U></A></div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=45 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="00f64643.jpg"> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="0" CELLSPACING="0" WIDTH="161" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 45 ><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="39" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="29"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Plotexpo.com"><U><B><IMG SRC="0181d270.jpg" border=0 width="29" height="39" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=CENTER WIDTH="15"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="45" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="15" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=CENTER><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Yard Work"><U><B><IMG SRC="017271d0.jpg" border=0 width="39" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=CENTER><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Journal Entries Part 2"><U><B><IMG SRC="016271d0.jpg" border=0 width="39" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>